USPS Terror Funhouse Commence

Thanks to Ally for the photo and
extra, necessary, finger emotion.

HEY! CHICAGO USPS. Yeah, YOU. Get over here.

What is this?

I said, WHAT IS IT?

Oh, it's my passport? The one you lost, 31 days ago? But USPS, how will I pick it up at the post office now? I mean, I don't even live in your country any more. How will I go down to the HELL that is the Ravenswood USPS Branch, stand in line for several hours, and then wait for you to pull your head out of your collective ASSHOLE while you attempt to locate this for me? And who says you'd even be successful? I got one of these pink mail slips last time, and you lost it for a month. A MONTH. How do I even know you have it now! Maybe this is one of your TWERPY, DERPY GAMES.


I hate you. If I didn't believe in universal mail* so hard, I'd wish you certain death. As it is, be content knowing that you've killed a little boys dreams (I'm sure somewhere, sometime, you did. Don't look into it), and cost me several damn hundred dollars to replace not ONLY the passport you lost, but the visa that had that passport number on it. You owe me. Psychically, financially. I filed complaints, but did you respond? No. I asked to speak to managers, did they respond? NO, AND I WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM. I realize that Chicago is a big place, but this was priority, certified mail. And I have all my mail forwarded to Mom's house, so how did this even get to my old apartment in the first place? The questions, they are multiplying in my head like little grasshoppers.

Furthermore, why...

No. I won't give you the satisfaction, you smug bastards. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with you for a while. It will do me no good to yell at your stupid face anymore. I know I'm wasting my breath, that you don't care, didn't listen, and that Republicans everywhere want you dead and dismantled. I'll leave it to them**.

EDIT: As my mom noted, the yelp reviews for this post office are OFF THE CHARTS bad, and kind of a hilarious read, if you've got a couple extra minutes. It's worth it to know I'm not alone! Still, glad I don't have to ever use it again. Ugh.

*I really do believe in the national USPS and the promise of universal mail, but, good god, the Ravenswood Branch is near awful enough to make me wish it was dead. Just think of where we'd be if mail was in the hands of private corporations! Eesh.

**But clearly, hope they don't succeed. What the USPS needs is less staff layoffs and a less insane financial policy. Maybe that way disasters like this wouldn't happen, or places like the Ravenswood USPS Branch wouldn't suck so very, very much to visit for goods and services.